Let me tell you about my friend. Let's call him Marco because, well, that's his name and he gave me permission to roast him publicly.
Marco called me one afternoon, voice dripping with existential dread. He'd been sending out CVs like confetti at a wedding, applying to companies in his new country where—get this—his qualifications were literally in high demand. We're talking about skills so sought-after that recruiters should have been fighting over him like shoppers on Black Friday.
Instead? Rejection after rejection after soul-crushing rejection.
He'd even hired not one, but TWO job agencies. You know, those people whose literal job description is "get people jobs." And what did one of them tell him? That he didn't have the right qualifications for their clients.
I'm sorry, WHAT?
So there we were, sitting over lunch—him picking sadly at his pasta, me wondering how someone could mess up a CV this badly—and I asked to see the infamous document. He slid it across the table like it was a secret government file.
It took me thirty seconds. THIRTY. SECONDS.
One minute in, and I had the overwhelming urge to use his CV as a napkin. Not because I'm cruel, but because it was just that painful to read.
So Who Am I to Judge Your Life Choices?
Fair question. What makes me the Simon Cowell of CVs?
Well, dear reader, I've been in the trenches. I've sent out so many job applications that my "Sent" folder could probably qualify as a small novel. "Searching for a job is a job on its own," they say. And by "they," I mean me, crying into my third cup of coffee at 2 AM while refreshing my email for the thousandth time.
I became obsessed. Not the fun kind of obsessed, like with a new Netflix series. No, this was the kind where you read seventeen articles about "power words" at midnight and start wondering if "synergized" is really a verb.
After every interview, I'd get the same beautifully crafted rejection: "We are sorry, Annick, but we can't hire you." It's like they had a template. They probably did.
So I did what any reasonable person would do: I became obsessed with finding out WHY. I harassed them for feedback. I became THAT person. Most ignored me (rude). One told me I "didn't have the right kind of confidence." I'm still not sure what the wrong kind of confidence looks like, but apparently, I had it.
But here's the plot twist: my CV eventually got GOOD. Like, really good. My LinkedIn profile became so polished that headhunters started sliding into my DMs. The headhunter who got me my current job? Actually impressed. With my qualifications AND my LinkedIn. I'd finally cracked the code, and offers started rolling in before I even made it to the interview stage.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about CV disasters. And Marco's was a masterclass in what NOT to do.
The Seven Deadly Sins of CV Writing (Plus Two Bonus Mistakes Because Apparently Seven Wasn't Enough)
1. The Underqualified Illusion
Listen, that one-day training course you took? PUT IT ON THERE. That volunteer gig where you sorted donated books for three hours? THAT COUNTS.
Too many people apply for jobs with CVs that look like they just woke up one day and decided to exist professionally. We're out here hoping recruiters will squint really hard and see our "potential." Spoiler alert: they won't. Adapt your CV to actually reflect that you might, possibly, perhaps be qualified for the job you're applying for. Revolutionary concept, I know.
2. The Overqualified Tragedy
Oh, this one's my personal favorite because it happened to ME.
Picture this: I have a professional degree as a program analyst AND another as a data scientist. Fancy, right? Well, when I couldn't land anything in those fields (because the universe has a sense of humor), I applied for a cleaning job.
The interviewer literally looked at my CV, looked at me, and asked: "What are you doing here?"
I should have known it was over when he followed up with: "Do you love working as a cleaner?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Then goodbye."
He didn't reject me because I was overqualified. He rejected me because I had ZERO cleaning experience on my CV and clearly didn't want to be there. Brutal honesty? Appreciated. Getting rejected anyway? Less appreciated.
3. The Ghost Bullet Point
Yes, I left number 3 blank in the original. Consider it an homage to mystery. Or a typo. We'll never know.
4. The Kitchen Sink Approach (AKA "I Do Everything!")
Here's where Marco really shined. His CV looked like someone had thrown every qualification ever earned into a blender and hit "chaos."
News flash: Recruiters don't care that you're a certified yoga instructor, a semi-professional photographer, AND an accountant. They care about ONE thing—the thing relevant to THEIR job.
Having three different CVs for three different career paths isn't multiple personality disorder; it's called STRATEGY. Save your diverse talents for your memoir. Your CV should be laser-focused, not a buffet.
5. Dot Your i's and Cross Your t's (Or Don't, If You Enjoy Rejection)
Lord have mercy on the CVs I've seen. Spelling errors. Grammar that makes English teachers weep. Random switches between British and American English IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
Recruiters will dump your CV in approximately 30 seconds if it reads like it was written by autocorrect having a stroke.
Check. Your. Grammar.
Pick. One. Language. Style.
Edit it. Then edit it again. Then have someone else edit it. Then edit it one more time while crying softly.
6. Remind Me Again: What Job Are You Applying For?
Some CVs are so vague that recruiters have to play detective. "Is this person applying to be a teacher? A chef? A CEO? A circus performer?"
Your CV should make it crystal clear what you want. If the recruiter has to guess, you've already lost.
7. Pay an Expert (Yes, It's Worth It)
I know, I know. You're already broke from being unemployed. But sometimes you need to spend money to make money. A professional CV writer knows the secret handshakes and magic words that get you past those AI screening systems.
Think of it as an investment in not eating instant ramen for the rest of your life.
8. Your CV Should Reflect Who You Are (Or Who You're Pretending to Be)
Past trainings, present skills, future aspirations—they all belong on your CV. List the qualities you WANT to have as if you already have them. It's not lying; it's manifesting. Or strategic optimism. Or... okay, it's a bit of both, but everyone does it.
The key is to actually work on developing those skills while they're impressed by your CV. Fake it till you make it, but make sure you're actually faking it TOWARD something real.
9. Blend In and Blend Out (The Uncomfortable Truth)
Here's where I get controversial and possibly canceled.
You might not fully blend into their culture, and that's okay. But you WILL be respected for the value you bring. Different cultures have different expectations. Learn to navigate them.
Want to know a secret? Politicians lie to us constantly. Democracy is a beautifully orchestrated performance where everyone wants their piece of the pie. Your job hunt? Same energy. It's called being smart.
You want that money, right? Actually, scratch that—you NEED that money. So if you have to play the game, learn the rules. Learn the language of where you live. Network with people from different cultures. It will expand your mind and, more importantly, make your CV look impressive.
This advice is specifically for those aiming for high-earning, respected positions. If you're content staying at the bottom of the ladder, feel free to ignore this entire section. I won't judge. (I will, but quietly.)
The Bottom Line
Your CV is your first impression, your handshake, your "hello, I'm not a disaster" statement to the world. Marco learned this the hard way. I learned it the hard way. You don't have to.
So go fix that CV. Make it specific. Make it clean. Make it relevant. And for the love of all that is holy, run spell-check.
Your dream job is waiting. Don't let a mediocre CV be the reason you never get there.
Need Help? (Of Course You Do)
Look, if you've made it this far and you're thinking, "Wow, my CV is probably a disaster too," you're probably right. Self-awareness is the first step to recovery.
Here's the thing: I've been where you are. I've obsessed over this stuff so you don't have to lose sleep over whether "detail-oriented" is one word or two (it's hyphenated, you're welcome).
If your CV needs rescuing from the trash bin of mediocrity, reach out to me. Seriously. Let's have a virtual coffee, I'll take a look at your CV, and we'll figure out why recruiters are ghosting you faster than a bad Tinder date.
I promise to be brutally honest (but in a helpful way, not in a "crush your soul" way). Think of me as your CV therapist, but with better success rates and less crying. Well, maybe the same amount of crying, but at least it'll be productive.
Contact me, and let's turn your CV from "instant rejection" to "when can you start?"
Because honestly? Life's too short to keep getting rejection emails.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go update my own CV because writing this article made me realize I haven't touched mine in two years. Do as I say, not as I do.
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